Club
by Agent Ookami
Summary: Ayame (Inuyasha) attends an anime convention and like the reject she is, she's having trouble finding a table to sit at.


Jade, this is all for you.  All for you.  And as an _extra_ inside joke, I was drinking Mountain Dew and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I wrote this.

*****

Join The Club

*****

Ayame was feeling extremely nervous as she looked around the large dining hall filled with fellow anime characters.  She'd never been to one of these conventions before, but so far that day, she had learned that apparently, she was not as well loved as she had always believed.  Already, she'd only handed out three signatures, and one of the fans had only wanted to get close enough to light her pelts on fire.

_And it's so_ hard _to get scorch marks out of white fur…geez.  Some people are so cruel._  Still, at least now she was amongst her own kind again, away from screaming fans who either ignored her, asked her embarrassing questions, or tried to kill her for reasons she had not yet begun to comprehend.  _I don't understand why anime fans are so crazy.  What did I ever do to deserve this?  And if_ one _more fanboy asks me what's under my armor or what cup size I am…I'll scream.  I'll just scream._

At that moment, she spotted something that made all cares flee from her mind.  Kouga.  He was across the room, at a large table surrounded by some people she knew and some that she had never met before.  All of them seemed to be getting along rather well, and she immediately headed for the table to join them.  _At least now I'll get to spend time with my precious Kouga…oh, he's so beautiful._

"So I said to him, well that's fine, but you know what happens to people who interfere with love relationships?" A curly-haired boy sitting across from Kouga was telling the table with a broad grin on his face.  "A cow steps on them and they die a horrible death!"

"That's ridiculous." A woman with short blonde hair shook her head while allowing the aqua haired woman beside her steal a chocolate covered strawberry off her plate.  "Seriously, who ever heard of something like that happening?"

"But…it was one of my most quotable moments." The curly-haired boy sighed before a brown haired girl next to him attempted to comfort him with a quick peck on the cheek.

"I think it's cute." A honey-haired young man patted the boy on the back before winking at the boy, earning him a swift smack to the back of the head from the girl who was sitting next to him with a tight crop of dark hair.

"Ba-kun, if you're going to hit on guys, at least do it with someone who's _not_ straight." The girl chided him.  "Honestly, why I keep you around is beyond me."

"Whatever, you were _just_ making eyes at Utena." Asaba shot back.

"She's a lesbian, duh." The girl replied.  "At least hit on Kyou-kun.  He's single…"

"For the last fucking time!  I'm _not_ gay!" Kyou, a young man with short red hair protested wildly.

"Whatever, man.  You're a total Tasuki clone." Kouga pointed out, wrapping his arm around the scarlet eyed girl who was sitting next to him.

"It's true." Utena flipped back her pink hair.  "Look at the evidence."

"Fangs." Haruka held up a finger.

"The hair." Kagura added from next to Kouga.

"My hair is much prettier than his." Tasuki argued immediately before a man sitting next to him with long bangs covering the side of his face patted his hand and nodded consolingly.

"Not as beautiful as _my_ hair." An androgynous youth seated next to a beautiful, sepia haired young man, ran his fingers through shining violet locks.

"Can we _not_ start the hair argument again?" a young man with silver hair pulled back in a ponytail held up a beseeching hand.  "Dorks." He added as an afterthought before the girl with short raven hair sitting next to him shot him a warning glance.

"All the cussing." A young man with glasses and dark hair added on.  "It's almost indecent."

"You're the fucking indecent one!  Groping Yue under the table!" Kyou pointed at the boy angrily.

"Let's see what the fans have to say." Yue, a man with flowing silver hair and a dreamy expression, pulled a laptop out of the case between him and Eriol.  "Hmm…according to fanfiction.net, you're a flaming homosexual who enjoys relationships with Yuki, Hatsuharu, and Shigure…also, it appears that Akito enjoys raping you."

"Bullshit!" Kyou countered immediately.  "And if that site's right, then your little boyfriend is bonking the lesbian queen over there!" he pointed across the room at a girl with long dark hair who was gushing over another girl with short brown hair who seemed to be oblivious to her friend's advances.  "Anyway, I'm straight in some of those fics."

"It's not my fault my show was picked up by a basic cable American network." Eriol was now pouting sadly.  "Yue knows that I would no more approach Tomoyo than I would go by the name Eli Moon."

"It's okay, Eriol." The aqua-haired woman next to Haruka spoke up.  "We're cousins, remember?" she indicated the other woman, who nodded sadly.

"Kentucky cousins." The boy with the silver ponytail snorted.

"Yaten!" his dark haired companion shot him an admonitory look.

"Whatever, cradle robber." Haruka sipped her water calmly.  "You have no room to talk about morality."

"Uh, excuse me?" Ayame spoke up after watching the conversation continue for several minutes without anyone noticing her presence.  "Can I sit with you guys?"  The members of the table looked up, each seeming to give her measuring gazes.

"Does anyone know the teenybopper with the furs?" Yaten asked casually.

"Uh, I kinda do." Kouga admitted, looking mortified.  Who had invited Ayame to an anime convention?  Since when did she have fans?

"Is she your little sister or something?" Utena asked.  "What happened to her…er, skirt thing?"

"Someone tried to light me on fire…" Ayame tried to explain, but no one seemed to hear her.

"There aren't any seats left." Kyou told her firmly.

"If you lose the pigtails you can sit in my lap." Asaba wiggled his eyebrows at her before receiving a smack and a long-suffering groan from Tsubaki.

"Honestly, Ba-kun, she's not your type at _all_.  Unless you regularly prowl grade schools without my knowledge." Tsubaki was telling him testily.

"Try the secondary character denial table." Eriol suggested helpfully, pointing at a table across the room.  "They usually have space."

"Cause only _loser_ secondaries sit there!" Tasuki added with a sharp laugh as Ayame left, feeling extremely saddened.  Kouga hadn't let her sit with him!  Fate was so cruel…

"I honestly don't feel as though I _am_ a secondary character, per se." A brainy girl with short blue hair was informing the table of other slightly disgruntled anime characters.  "I _was_ the first inner scout discovered, and there are _hundreds_ of web shrines dedicated to me."

"Well, dear, that's because everyone thinks you're a prostitute." A girl with a sweet voice and long blonde hair explained.  "_I_, however, am definitely a main character.  I'm the love interest!"

"Your love interest is sleeping with his best friend, Relena." A yellow stuffed cat told the girl haughtily.  "And anyway, I'm on almost _every_ poster from my series."

"If I used Chibi-usa to be on every poster, I could be just like you." A small grey kitten with a gratingly high voice replied.  "But anyway, Kero, we're _mascots_, not secondaries.  It's different."

"Yeah, but Tama-neko won't let you sit at the mascot table Ami pointed out shrewdly.  "Too many cats I suppose."

"I like cats." A girl with dark blue hair piped up.  "Have any of you guys noticed that none of us can ever get a boyfriend or a girlfriend?"

"I have Zoicite." Ami corrected.

"Excuse _me_, dear, but if my Heero's gay, than your Zoicite is the poster boy for homosexuality.  Who wants to bet he's wandered off to the bathrooms with Kunzite again?"  Relena corrected.

"I think they were in the broom closet." A girl with short black hair piped up.  "You know…I just don't understand why Tsukushi won't let me sit with her."

"Maybe it's because when she was in need, you pretended she didn't exist." Shinobu observed wisely.  "Next time, try being a _good_ friend.  That's the way to be a main character, you know."

"I'm a good friend." Ami spoke again.

"Excuse me?  Do you guys have room?" Ayame didn't even know why she was asking.  There were at least ten empty seats at the table.

"Are you a secondary character?" Relena raised a regal eyebrow.

"Um…well, probably.  I guess so.  I mean, I don't even exist in the manga." She shrugged, not feeling especially proud of herself at the moment.

"Ugh, she can't sit here.  Listen to that attitude." Kero rolled his tiny eyes.  "Wait…are you on lots of posters?"

"I don't think I'm on any…" she admitted sadly.

"Okay, go away then." The small stuffed cat waved her away.  Ayame sighed sadly and glanced around desperately.  Just then, she spotted Kagome, who, as she recalled, was a rather nice girl.  Of course _she_ would let Ayame join her table.

"No, I'm serious, you _have_ to use your fork!" Kagome pressed the utensil desperately into Inuyasha's hand as he tried to escape her and pick up his steak in both hands.

"Oh, go easy on him, Kagome."  Sango offered the other girl.  "It's been a long day, and we're all a bit worn out."

"Tokaki!  Stop that!" a voluptuous woman smacked her silver-haired companion upside the head.  "Sango, could you stop Miroku from sharing literature with my husband?"

"Miroku!  I told you not to bring those magazines this year!  How many times did I tell you?" Sango's face was immediately scarlet with anger.

"But, Sango dear…it's…it's been a long day.  Go easy on me?" Miroku sounded rather doubtful as to the probable success of his suggestion, and he was rewarded with a swift slap across the face.

"Can I see them when you're done, Tokaki?" a wide-eyed young man with spiky black hair leaned across the table eagerly, only to have his red-haired female companion smash a water glass over his head.

"Carrot, I will make you sit in the car if you don't behave." The redhead informed him.  "And then you'll miss that hentai manga panel you've been talking about for three weeks."

"Oh man, you better listen to what she says." A young man with short dark hair advised Carrot.

"Tira's got you so whipped." Another young man with wavy, chin length hair commented.

"Literally." The dark haired boy added before both broke into raucous laughter, collapsing against each other as they continued to shake with mirth.

"That's it, I changed my mind." Kagome slapped the table.  "Let's go sit at the main couples table again."

"No way." Inuyasha refused, though he didn't look up from the daunting task of cutting up his steak into acceptable sized pieces.  "I'm not looking at one more goddamn baby picture."

"Yeah…and even though you guys are sick, at least you aren't making out all the time." Kagome added thoughtfully.

"That's what _you_ think." The dark-haired boy winked at her.  "Akira's giving me a hand job right now!"

"No way!  If one of us was getting a hand job, it would be me!" Akira protested immediately.

"When you're all done, may I get a hand job?" a man with dark hair and wicked eyes questioned the two boys.

"Gure-chan!  Don't be cruel!  You only love _me_, remember?" a man with striking yellow eyes and long silver hair pouted pitifully.

"I only say that when I'm horny, and you know it." Shigure patted the other man on the head before kissing his cheek.  "Lucky for you, Ayame, I'm horny all the time."

"Okay, yeah, let's move." Kagome stood up, but Inuyasha couldn't be moved from his steak, and Sango wouldn't let her friend leave.

"Do _not_ leave me at this table with them!" Sango grabbed Kagome's sleeve and wouldn't let go.  Kagome sighed before sitting back down and noticing that Ayame was standing nearby, looking unsure and tugging at a pigtail.

"Oh, Ayame-chan…what's going on?" Kagome asked.  Immediately, the silver-haired man looked up, but was confused to see that Kagome wasn't addressing him.

"I…um, can I sit with you guys?" she asked, slightly encouraged that Kagome had at least noticed her.

"No, she can't sit here." Ayame waved his hand dismissively.  "There's only room for _one_ Ayame at this table, and as I'm far more beautiful…"

"Hmm…I'm straight, but I'd have to agree." Tokaki rubbed his chin.  "Don't want to have random Ayame's joining the table."

"Sorry, Ayame-chan, but this is really supposed to be the pervert table." Kagome offered, shrugging.  "It's not very fun, anyway.  Trust me."

"I'm plenty of fun!" Miroku stretched his arm, but Inuyasha leaned behind Kagome and intercepted it.

"Not if you don't wanna die, asshole." He told the monk in deadly tones.  "God…we shoulda fucking sat with Kouga's table."

"I never thought I'd see the day when _you_ wanted to spend time with Kouga." Kagome rolled her eyes as Ayame wandered off yet again.  Was every table going to turn her away?  Wasn't there a nice obsessed stalker table somewhere?  Just then, she saw someone who looked vaguely familiar waving at her.  She looked around before realizing that the man with dark hair and strange eyes was _indeed_ waving at her.  Feeling a smile touch her lips, she immediately joined the table, in between the dark-haired man and another man who was grooming his long blonde locks while a woman in armor clung to his arm contentedly.

"Hello everyone.  Do…do I know you?" she asked the man with dark hair and red eyes.

"You may know this Naraku.  We work on the same show together." He smiled at her slightly.

"Um…is this the villain table?  Cause I'm not…" she began, suddenly feeling very nervous.

"Oh, no, the villains wouldn't take us." A man with strange make up informed her cheerfully.  "They said we give villains a bad name."

"I am _not_ a villain." A man with short hair and a haughty expression informed everyone.  "I'm a possible love interest."

"Give it up, Junpei." The man with the make up told him.  "No one likes you."  He turned to Ayame.  "Welcome to the reject table."

"I am _not_ a reject." The blonde man spoke up.  "I was the main villain."

"Of course, lord Nakago!" the man with the make up nodded emphatically.  "I know that you are!  Don't listen to what the others say!  You're a perfect villain."

"The Amazon Trio told me I was sick." A man with shoulder length purple hair and dark skin seemed to be very depressed.  "At least I don't wear high heels."

"They're just jealous that you've slept with so many people." A man with glasses and a suit patted the purple-haired man's shoulder.  "I've slept with many people myself.  You know, in some countries it's considered to be a sign of good breeding when you sleep with your sister on a nightly basis.  Don't let the other villains get you down, Akio."

"What I don't understand is why no one wants to sit with me." Junpei pouted.  "Hey, you, what's your name?" he addressed the youkai girl who had just joined the table.

"Ayame." She managed, feeling very frightened.

"Ayame, let me ask you something, hypothetically.  If I made you a paper airplane and beat up your boyfriend, would you fall in love with me?" Junpei leaned forward, his brow furrowing seriously.

"You should have just ordered her to have sex with you." A willowy youth with short purple hair opined from where he seemed to be slouching against the table for support.

"Akito, that's your solution to everything." An old man who didn't seem to be wearing anything other than his extremely long hair and lots of wrinkly skin spoke to the boy chidingly.  "You've never experienced the joys of consensual sex."

"Neither have you." A girl with sharply forked eyebrows and long blonde hair pointed out.  "Everyone knows it too, _Isaac_.  It's in all the textbooks.  You died a virgin."

"Loser." Akio coughed, while leaning over to try and grope the blonde.

"Dorothy, I have told you repeatedly that my name is Lord Dornkirk, and I would thank you not to forget it." The old man grumbled.  "Anyway, history books can lie, you know."

"No history book would ever remember _me_ as a virgin." Nakago opined regally.

"No, instead they'll remember you as a rapist and a necrophiliac who _lost_ the only war he ever fought." Dorothy countered.

"Has Dorothy been drinking again?" the man with the glasses pursed his lips.

"What, looking for a chance to score, Kagami?" Dorothy glared at him.

"She's only upset that Quatre won't forgive her for the whole stabbing incident." The man with the make up pointed out.

"Shut up, Tomo."  Dorothy pouted.  "We're practically canon!  Ayame, how pissed would _you_ be if some guy was screwing a circus clown behind your back?"

"Um…well, that'd be…kinda…" Ayame wanted to leave, and yet, no other table would have her.  Was she _really_ a reject?  And was Naraku groping her leg?

"Pissed enough to stab him with a fencing foil, right?" Dorothy waved her hand to indicate that this plan of action made total sense.  "And let me tell you, he was only crying about it because he wanted Trowa to carry him back to his Gundam.  Fucking baby."

"Dorothy's bitter." Kagami gave Ayame an apologetic smile.  "Listen, you look to be about twelve, maybe thirteen.  How do you feel about older men licking your face?"

"Stop, I saw her first." Akio cut in.  "Anyway, you only like it with family members."

"That's the pot calling the kettle black." Kagami shot back.

"What's wrong with a little incest?" Akito wobbled drunkenly in his seat.  "You know, Renhou and Miisu used to sit with us." He informed Ayame, pointing toward a table nearby where several couples were seated, several of them locked in passionate embraces.  "But then Amiboshi and Suboshi set up that goddamn incest table…"

"Akito's mad they won't let him sit there." Naraku sighed slightly.  "After all, he _does_ attempt to rape almost everyone in his family.  Admirable."

"Hey, Naraku, I've been meaning to ask you about that…" Dorothy was sloshing her drink over her black dress.  "If you sleep with one of those…things…um, detachments, is that masturbation?"

"I'm so glad you asked that, Dorothy." Naraku smiled tightly.  "Because it's not as though I've been asked that by almost every otaku that has even spoken to me today.  Although, I did get a few phone numbers."

"Me too." Akio winked broadly at everyone else.  "Oh shit…here comes Goshinki.  Act like you don't see him."

"I _hate_ that guy." Tomo rolled his eyes.  "Ayame, don't talk to him, okay?  And try not to think about him at all."

"I apologize for creating him." Naraku sighed deeply.  "I suppose you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, though."

"Is there room for Goshinki!" The huge purple monster was nearly drooling on Ayame's head as he reached the table, and she had to resist the urge to screech in disgust.

"So…how about those fan girls?" Nakago spoke up after a moment of strained silence.

"I like fan boys." Akito pointed out, his finger waving shakily in the air.

"As do I." Tomo agreed.

"I mostly just like quickies in the bathroom." Akio opined smoothly.

"And you wonder why no one likes you." Dornkirk shook his head.

"Don't get me started on you, Dork-nick." Dorothy was still drinking messily and seemed genuinely unaware of Goshinki's presence.  "I mean, seriously.  Can't you put some clothes on or something?  No one's going to start a nudist table, in case you were wondering."

"I said, is there any room for Goshinki?!" the youkai repeated, a large glop of drool hitting Ayame's flower.  She whimpered lightly.

"Ayame, if you had to have sex with anyone at this table, would it be me?" Akio asked her, still speaking in a purely conversational tone.

"I think it would be me." Junpei jabbed a thumb at his chest.  "You know, I'm a model, Ayame."

"I like your pigtails." Kagami smiled at her.  "They remind me of the daughter I adopted for three months."

"Didn't the state take her away from you?" Dorothy asked grumpily.

"Well, apparently, even though it is perfectly legal for fathers to molest their ten year old adopted daughters in some countries, Japan is not one of those countries." Kagami sighed sadly.

"Is there room for Goshinki!?" the youkai was not giving up.  "Oh!  Naraku!  You just thought that I was annoying and stupid, didn't you?"

"I think everyone at the _table_ is thinking that." Dorothy spoke up.  "Go away, you freak."

"You're thinking that I'll break another chair and drool in your food, aren't you Dorothy?" Goshinki's eyes lit with delight.

"Yeah, yeah I did.  Congratulations, Captain Obvious.  Maybe Akio will sleep with you." Dorothy snorted.

"Please, I have my standards." Akio rolled his eyes.

"Here here." Akito attempted to toast, but he dropped the glass and it shattered on the tabletop.  He began playing with the bits of glass.

"Goshinki, if you leave right now, I'll buy you some dog treats on my way home." Naraku offered finally.

"The green ones?" Goshinki narrowed his eyes.

"Go away." Naraku waved his hand, and apparently satisfied, Goshinki stomped away.  Ayame looked around the table in surprise.

"But…you guys let me sit with you…why didn't you let Goshinki sit here?" she wanted to know.

"Because, we may be the rejects." Tomo explained.  "But that doesn't mean we have to hang out with _him_."

"Rejects, huh?" Ayame sighed, looking down at her plate sadly.

"Welcome to the club." Dorothy toasted her, and they all drank.

*****

The End

Everyone kept asking me to write. Let's just say, you get what you pay for.


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